Long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, my dick exploded while I was having fantasies about raping the movie industry in the anus. I came so hard, Steven Spielberg almost choked on my ejaculate. We then switched turns and he fucked me so bad I had a vision. So vivid, so phallic, was the picture, that I could almost feel all the ideas coming out of my ass. Turned out I shat myself on his cock. Coincidence? I don't think so, as his cock smeared in shit inspired me to come up with my greatest idea of all - the central antagonist of my soon-to-be-made movie, Darth Vader: The Shit Lord. Of course! I should base the whole saga on dicks and fecal matter. Genius! Hmm, I need a protagonist now. "How about Jesus", Steven suggested while wiping his dick in my pubic hair, "People love Jesus! You can't go wrong with that". And the old Jew had a darn good point. So I started thinking about it, as Steven began urinating on me - Jesus walked on water, I thought. "Fuck that", Spielberg said, "Your hero should walk on air". Indeed I named him Skywalker, the Chosen One, born with no father, and his mother - a slave. "Just like your mom, Steven", I joked. I'm not sure if his mother was a whore, but it sounded very funny. That brought up the question about humor. There should be some comic relief in my serious action drama movie! I didn't want to keep the audience tensed for more than a minute. Just as this thought hit me, Steven slapped my ass with a bamboo stick. "Eurika", I exclaimed. Slapstick comedy is what I needed, because most people find it hilarious! There I was, hours later, saying goodbye to Steven Spielberg. I was so sad he had to leave, but he left me a present - a blow up doll. Every day I relieved myself on the doll's face, as I was imagining it talk to me dirty, just like Steven. I wondered if a robot could be made, just like him, to please me, for the times he's missing. An important part of my movie was also missing: the physical comedy. Maybe a robot could replace that there? How about a hilarious android who looks like a blow up doll? Great!
As time went by, I got more frustrated with my movie project. I knew the crap would sell, but nobody was there to encourage me and assure me that it can and should go further. I just wanted to throw the damn thing in the Recycle Bin. I kept creating new ridiculous characters, and they all ended up in the trash. One day I just gave up, smoked a few joints, and decided to revive the scrapped characters. I really had fun with this shit, and it really grew on me, to the point where I thought to myself: "What would happen if I bring into life the Recycle Bin itself". That's how R2-D2 was born.
It was time that I think about the plot. What would Jesus do in another Galaxy? He would fight the forces of evil, of course. How would he fight them... with a sword! He should be a ninja! Or even better, a samurai! Yes, because he's ready to sacrifice himself in the name of good! And his sword should glow in the dark because he is Jesus and he fights the darkness! Yeah! He and his gang of holy samurai will fuck shit up using the power of prayer! Nah, that sounds too lame... Let's call it the force. Ah, sounds much better. And the bad guys, the Shits, they will possess the power of the dark side, which of course, will be quicker, easier, and more seductive, because it comes from no other than the Devil. Holy war. Good versus evil.
George Lucas is retarded. His movie is a success only because it has nice visual effects, character designs, and an infantile fairy tale as the plot. People love the movie only because they saw it in the past, back when their intelligence level was even lower than the writer's. The Star Wars fans are strongly biased and sentimental about the movie, because it reminds them of their childhood. If your first time seeing the film was as an adult, and you instantly became a fan, I am here to inform you that you probably have developmental disabilities and I feel sorry for you. You might also be a homosexual with scatological sexual fantasies. Not that there's ANYTHING WRONG with that.
I'm putting this out to let people like me know there is hope. I google'd the phrase "I Hate Star Wars" and I didn't find the results satisfying - the first result was "[n] Reasons to Hate Star Wars" - it's too detailed and I think the author is essentially a Star Wars fan who wrote the articles as satire. The second result was the "I Hate Star Wars Club" which seems to be run, ironically, by Star Trek fans. I love Star Trek, but that's not why I hate Star Wars. I hate Star Wars because it's an overrated b-movie that many people take seriously and quote as if it were a credible source of wisdom. I hate it because the plot sucks, the characters are flawed and inconsistent, the mythology is weak and unbelievable, beyond the usual suspension of disbelief.
This shit right pokes you in the eye with how bad it is.
Some fans of this horrible movie are victims of their own projections who have been exploited into finding faith and comfort in the Star Wars religion. Hopeless dreamers with Utopian ideals. Deluded concepts of good and evil, influenced by parents who shame their children for being angry or scared. Star Wars condemns fear, anger, and hatred as evil emotions, while labeling submissiveness, patience, and superstition as virtue. Be passive. Take it in the ass! It seems like the Holy Samurai valued intuition more than rational thinking. Making choices without thinking about the consequences is the essence of the force, and that's why fear is not encouraged. It leads them to anger because they can't put their irrational plans into action. Anger leads them to hate because they envy the ones who make rational choices. Hate leads them to suffering because they fall into a self-pity hole where they can't do anything constructive or destructive against their enemies. If they weren't so stupid, fear would lead them to change, anger would lead them to relief, and hatred would lead them to peace (staying away from your enemy).
So in Star Wars they have all kinds of high-speed technology and yet, the weapons are slow and inaccurate. Now I understand why light sabers are better weapons than laser guns; the latter are apparently equivalent to slingshots. And what's with the 4-legged Walkers?! That has to be the worst battle vehicle in the Universe. I mean, it's so slow, clumsy and weak. Walkers. All they need is a hit and they explode. What about the robots? They are more humane and emotional than people. It's weird that Recycle Bin spoke in bleeps to his friends, instead of using human voice, which is seen to be possible in a couple of scenes where it gets in trouble: "WOOAAAAHHHHHHH". And then here comes the Yeti. Everybody loves a furry sasquatch pet. But a story is not good enough without Casper, the friendly ghost! Here comes Ben! It must've been an every day thing in this galaxy to talk to ghosts.
LONG TIME AGO. FUCK YOU!
The characters were not true to their own standards. Chewbacca had already embraced the power of the dark side: he was fearful and angry: remember the scene where he choked the black guy? Shit, the Princess was even worse: there was so much passive aggression in her. She was constantly angry and scared to admit her love for that other guy. What about Darth Vader? He appeared to be very calm, brave, and nihilistic. None of the Shits were angry, and most of them were certainly not cowards. Another thing that looked pretty silly to me was how easily the Underwater King was convinced to send his people on a war for no profit whatsoever. This sends the wrong impression about wars, as if they were virtuous. But even so, sending citizens on a deadly mission simply because someone asked you to, is still a monstrous thing to do. Signing the peace contract would've been the better choice, but the queen wouldn't want to lose her power now, would she. And how did the "good" guy get voted for as a chancellor, even though it was known that most members of the senate were corrupt and didn't care for the people? So naive, this whole movie is. A bad influence on children, it can be.
