I like to think that I'm a logical human being and I strongly value rationality. Judging from some of my actions, though, you would never believe this to be true, especially if you don't know me well enough. And I can totally understand that now. It all comes from my appreciation of the artistic value of irrational behaviors. One might think that I value irrationality itself. I don't. When I am me, when I'm out of character, I would always try my best to think objectively and logically. So why is it that I do these weird things then?
What's so artistic about being crazy? It simply is. Art is all about subjective experience, and crazy people have the most original and colorful stories to tell. Art is artificial, and so are these people. They have lost touch with their true selves, and that loss makes them actors for life. Yes, I was one of those people once, when "everything was just a movie". That's when I started attracting parasites to me. Maybe they mistaken me for one of them, or maybe they just saw me as a host. My role-models were in fact antagonistic to my true values. Because I wanted to amuse myself the same way they amused me. I wanted to become the circus freaks that made me laugh so hard. I hadn't yet realized that laughter is often the product of condescension. It's the good feeling you get when you know you're not like them. I was contradicting my true emotions. And having become a laughing stock, it didn't feel that funny. I was wondering why people didn't give me the respect that I deserve. Well, it's because they didn't have respect for themselves. While I was trying to be one of them, I was still aware of what's going on, and most of them were completely lost.
Back to the antagonistic role-models. My so-called "heroes". The artists that I like to emulate. I don't really wanna be like them, and my dignity would never allow me to do the dirty things they did. Emulation is temporary and not fundamental. I'm just playing. I'm testing people's responses. I'm testing my own boundaries. I'm being genuinely curious, exploring the different aspects of one's behavior. It makes me happy when people respond to my irrational character in a shocking manner. That's the best part of it. Getting a response from the audience. I guess seeing an angry person who freely expresses their feelings of disgust make me feel better about society. Not because what provoked their shock deserved such a reaction, but mostly because I can see the audience becoming emotional. Remember the movie Equilibrium? I believe we are already living in such a world.
In conclusion, there are people who actually value irrational behavior, not its artistic content. It seems like I share their taste in music and their sense of humor. That's why I was always surrounded by such horrible misfortunes. And that's why rational people mistaken me for such a failure and distance themselves from me. I am not my taste and my taste is what I'm not.
