I've been thinking about excuses. Excuses for leaving conversations, not attending to meetings, not answering the phone, etc. I realized that I only conclude my excuse is legit when it's related to mandatory and not essentially pleasant tasks. Like fixing my car, studying for the exam, helping relatives, attending to funerals... it's never about playing videogames, surfing the internet, meditating, fucking the dog, writing my blog, updating my page, etc. It's basically never about fun activities. Why is it that I have this wrong impression that only shitty obligations can get me out of a shitty situation. Why is it that I can't just say "Your party totally sounds like fun, but I'm too busy staying at home today". Not to offend them, I guess. I would be rightfully stating my priorities, but that would expose the fact that I'd rather do nothing than be with them. Why rob them of the truth? Being around people like that and compromising my precious time just for the sake of reciprocity. Am I out of my mind to think like that? Life is short and time is everything I've got and the meaning of life is to spend it as joyfully as one can, hence everyone's first priority should be doing pleasant things, and NOT DOING FUCKING CHORES. You're damn right I'm busy. I was planning on jacking off and you just called. I'm not gonna bullshit you with lies, I really can't engage in this conversation right now because all I'm thinking about is why the hell did I pick up the phone and why am I still holding my dick when you're on the phone and you're a guy.
See, one should take their priorities more seriously. The REAL priorities: fucking shit up, having a blast. I'm taking fun seriously this time. It's my life, it's my time, nobody can give me shit about it. Ever get in a discussion that started out great but it just kept dragging and you've got this awkward STUPID smile on your face and you're like CHAINED to the conversation and you just CAN'T leave it. It just keeps going on and on, and you're enjoying the company but at the same time you realize that nothing of importance is being said and time is just being wasted. And you wanna do other stuff like watching a movie or playing tennis. But the discussion is serious! It's about work! Can you really be productive with that petty smile, being stuck in the corner? It's a given you're gonna get ripped off. Another type of awkward conversations that's even worse is when you become afraid that the other person is going to leave!! They inform you that they have no time, they're in a HURRY! So you try to give them more attention because they're leaving anyway so maximum information can be exchanged. And then THEY JUST KEEP TALKING. And you can't ask them "Weren't you leaving"... it's rude! So you keep giving them what they want and you're once again in the corner. And it seems important but is it really, or is it just plain trivial crap?
This is so, YES IT IS. That's not so. I AGREE. I think this should be that. OF COURSE.
And then your whole day is gone. Why didn't I leave? Because I didn't have anything MANDATORY to do. It's my day off, every day, I've got no shit to do, I'm just fucking the dog. So that's why it's been awkward for me to exit any kind of friendly invitations, because I don't take my fun seriously. From now on I'll be completely honest and tell it like it is.
This smile, I'm not sure if anyone else experiences it. A nervous smile, muscles are strained, you can't really relax them. It occurs when you talk too much to a friend to the point where you have no idea what's going on and why you're still talking. It's ridiculous. Whenever I notice that smile on my face, I'll know that it's time to do something else. It's a desperate defense mechanism that covers up my anger and frustration which should be otherwise freely expressed, so that I exit the conversation and cause the other person to not call me for a while. But no, daddy's boy is here, he's afraid of punishment and condescension. Most people would probably empathize with my natural frustration but I mindread their reactions and fear from rejection arises that forbids me to express my true emotions. BLarerg. I think the realization that free time has its priorities and they are to be taken entirely seriously will somehow help me cope with this. Being busy having fun is more important than being busy doing chores, and that's what matters.
