I was in a small room, perhaps a basement. A lot of young people stuffed inside. There's a 14 years old long-haired blond boy with fair skin complexion. He's lying in a drawer and a plastic tube is sticking out of his mouth. He seems either dead or in a deep coma. In the other room, there's a twin of the child, perhaps younger, who's in a similar state, except he's in a sitting position, under something like a desk. They're almost there like a decoration and nobody seems to be concerned with their well-being. Everybody else is talking and pretending there's nothing creepy about the situation.
As I enter the first room I start feeling despair. It's dark, almost no light. I jump in one of the beds angry and frustrated, as suddenly I want to cry. I begin crying and gasping for air but suddenly some guy grabs my head and starts slamming it down. I have no idea what's going on. The shock stops my crying. Soon enough more people jump me and I feel helpless; I can't even resist. One of the guys is pinching my dick and I can't make him stop, and it's fucking painful. LET GO OF MY DICK. Finally, after minutes of torture, they get tired and they let me go. I try to fall asleep again but the feeling of despair comes back to me. My brother appears. He and a few others had planned a revenge on me. It was something like throwing a bunch of clothes at me. He's waiting for my reaction now but I'm no way affected by his pathetic revenge. He's disappointed.
I stand up and start walking towards the other room. I ask the rest what's wrong with the blond child. They explain that he's dead, but still alive. How the fuck can he still be alive. The boy opens his eyes and stands up moving patiently, almost in slow motion. They pass me the end of the plastic tube sticking out of the boy's mouth. I'm expected to talk to him. It seems like he's otherwise deaf. I grab the tube and I look him in the eyes. He looks back at me; there's no flame of hope in his eyes. He's the most desparate child I've ever seen. As I try to talk into the tube, my voice becomes weaker and I can't help but lose it. I can't even break eye contact, his virtual grasp on me is so great. I don't even know what to say, but the intimidation is so strong. The child is just standing there half-dead and I'm supposed to talk to him through a fucking tube. I feel like I'm gonna start weeping any moment now. My breathing becomes rapid, my chest is tight, and my chin starts shaking from anger and sadness. I break down in tears, and this is when I woke up.
I drew that:
Turns out my mom had turned off the lights. I usually sleep with the lights on. I remember that my dad would always turn them off to force me to go to sleep when I was a child. I would cry and feel abandoned. Perhaps I'll have to finally overcome the fear and try sleeping in the dark. The pinching dick part was probably influenced by me lying in an uncomfortable position. But my mind connected the abuse with my crying because my dad used to give me "real things" to cry about, and that's one of the reasons why I can't fully associate into this emotion anymore.
The brother revenge part is influenced by him recently making a decision to stop talking to me. In my opinion he expected that I would apologize to him. Instead, I'm really happy with the way things are right now, and I think this is the best decision he has ever made so far - not to talk to me. Because he's sick in the head, and I'm one of his abusers. As such, I can't really help him nor sympathize with him. That would be like a rapist helping his victim to get over it.
The child character is a metaphor of everybody else who's like my brother. Abused people who are now living in altered states of consciousness because they are dead on the inside. Kinda like in the Matrix, of course. There's no way for one to reason with such people, unless they've been given sympathy. You've got to speak through the tube, help them understand things with their limited resources. You can't just scream into their ears if they're deaf to your words.
I might delete this entry because it's too personal, but I'll leave it as of now.
